Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fear




Fear


As far back as I can remember I have been afraid of spiders. I would scream when I saw one even when I was a tiny little girl. To this day spiders terrify me, but my fear has extended itself to almost every member of the insect and arachnid population.

When I was about 5 years old I used to hide behind a bush and play with the snails that lived there. I would grab up rolly pollies (also known as pill bugs) and watch them roll into a ball so I could roll them around for a while. I could pick up a lady bug and watch it fly away.

Alas, those days are over. You couldn't get me to touch even a ladybug. There was a time I had a ladybug in my house. The surprise I felt when I couldn't bring myself to touch it to set it free was a startling revelation about myself. I had never faced my fear, and I had allowed it to escalate beyond reason. Why should I be afraid to touch a ladybug? Nothing could prepare me for the guilt I felt at seeing all my children yelp in fear at the slightest insect. I had projected my own fears onto them.

It was a particularly nice day to play outside, and that's exactly what my kids were doing. I heard a screech and went running to see what the matter was. A bug, of course. I went out to see what type of bug it was. It was only a love bug. The yard was infested. I knew that I would never get the kids to come back outside unless I did something drastic. "There's nothing wrong with these little bugs, kids. See?" I braced myself for what I was about to do. I dug deep and swallowed my fear. I picked up the little bug and I let it crawl across my hand. I saw my kids relax as I showed them that this bug was not going to hurt me or them. I watched them as the went back outside to play. Then, I ran to where they couldn't see me and shook my hand off violently. I then washed it. But I couldn't help but feel that I had accomplished something significant in biting back my fear for the moments it took me to dispel my children's fears.

The End

9 comments:

WELCOME TO MY WORLD OF POETRY: said...

Fear is not a nice thing to have, I have a real fear that I know is irrational but have tried to push it out of my mind. My husband had cancer twice which eventually ended his life, just as I was coming to terms with that my eldest son was diagnosed with cancer, he is in remission and hopefully he will be ok. I had to have a routine cervical cancer test last year, result? adnormal
well I was really scared, had to have a test at the hospital which came back inflamation of some cells....no sign of cancer but have to have 6 monthly check ups the next being next week.
I know it's for my own good but positive as I am fear do get the better sometimes.
Take care.
Yvonne.

Marjorie said...

@ Yvonne- I'm sorry for your loss and the fact that you have had to go through so much concerning cancer. But I'm sure you will be fine. Don't be afraid. :-) (says the chicken)

Watery Tart said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Marjorie-I can picture that SO CLEARLY--acting brave in order to be a good mom and then TOTALLY freaking out! I inflicted the fear on my daughter that someone would 'take her' when she was little (she was really a beautiful little girl) and when we moved out of the city to safe little Ann Arbor she had a MELT DOWN when i walked around a corner in a grocery store. Those really are SO transferable.

I don't LIKE spiders (though I only freak out if they are BIG and INSIDE) but other bugs I sorta dig... I particularly like various beetles.

Marjorie said...

@Tami- Oh my gosh, I am SO like that with my kids. Telling them you never know who's a crazy freak. I might need to cool it. Your girl absolutely is beautiful now so I can imagine when she was little.

Lisa said...

Good for you. All for the greater good, huh? :)

Ellie said...

You are so brave; I am happy that you did that for your children! Fear is a terrible thing...
I started having it really bad, a year ago.
My cousins use to be so scared of thundershowers because my Aunt was. You were smart to do this, even though it was major for you!

Not enough hours! said...

I am so proud of you for confronting your fears so your kids would get over their's. Lovely story.

And that photograph? Did you take it?

Marjorie said...

@ Lisa- Yes definately!

@ Ellie- Thanks. I feel like such a coward most of the time.

@ Natasha- Sadly I did not take that photo. Found it on the internet. I don't take pictures of bugs. Wish I had though. It's a good photo.

Raquel Byrnes said...

Great job on taking a step out and conquering your fear. Its so admirable that you saw something affecting your children and sought to right it. Bravo.